dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
