so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
