Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
