I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
