maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I smell stomach acid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
