Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
