That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
