I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
