had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
