you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
