Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
