halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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