If i come over, it means nothing
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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