You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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