i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
