if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
