life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
