she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
