so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
