She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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