I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
