I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
