Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
please don't ironically join a cult
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