How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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