Screwed.edu
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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