I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
