I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
