did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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