dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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