There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
