there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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