You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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