My hand turned me down
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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