Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
