My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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