i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
