maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
