no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
