my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
