Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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