In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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