went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
