Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
