she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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