just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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