The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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