I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
