Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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