SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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