I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Someone came in the potted fern
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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