Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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