I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
